I am proudly autistic, asexual, and kinky.

In the last couple of posts on here, I discussed the idea of getting a vasectomy as a prerequisite to engaging in sexual activity.  I am now happy to say that the vasectomy is done, and I am now in the “purge” stage, where I am pushing out whatever sperm was already downstream from the surgery site.  And talk about an easy procedure: I was in and out of the building in about 45 minutes.

One thing that I was concerned about going into this was that my lack of sexual activity of any kind would cause some doctors to decline to perform the procedure, much like the stories that I have heard where doctors will sometimes decline to do the procedure on someone who they think is too young.  Fortunately, that sort of issue never came up, and the doctor never questioned anything with me.  I imagine that it was because I was over 40, and also that I brought my partner in with me, i.e. I am quite mature, and in a committed relationship.

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When we last spoke, I discussed how, despite running a blog about kink and sexuality, I have never actually had sex.  And in the time since we last spoke, I remain a virgin.  However, I have spent the better part of a year doing a lot of research and soul-searching, and have come to the realization that I am asexual, and that on the asexuality spectrum, I fall somewhere between sex-averse and sex-repulsed, while still feeling romantic attraction.  I also recognize that there is probably nothing that I can do to change that, because that’s just how I’m wired.

Before coming to this conclusion, however, I did my research, looking at it from every angle that I could think of.  I started by looking at it from a fear perspective, but I came to a dead end, because I felt like I couldn’t make get close enough to it to even worry about being afraid of it.  I also felt like the various “solutions” that I found online about a fear of sex didn’t address the issue.  I have engaged in some sexual touching with my partner, after all, but it was with a gloved hand.  So it was pretty clear that it’s not a phobia, so that’s out.  I also looked into the possibility of low libido, and what that involves.  One of the big questions that those ask is whether or not you masturbate.  I do masturbate on a somewhat regular basis, usually once or twice a week, which helps to relieve stress.  Another big question that typically gets asked in that situation is whether or not this is a recent thing, and in my case, it isn’t.  I’ve always been like this.  Nothing has changed as far as libido goes.  Similarly, I looked into Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, or HSDD.  That again didn’t check all of the boxes, as that requires the condition to cause some amount of distress, and I’m not distressed by it.  The only distress is caused by external factors, in that my partner makes sure that I know that she is not happy about the lack of sex in our relationship.  Me, I could go my entire life without copulating and be just fine.  In short, it’s none of those things.

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For someone who runs a blog about kink and sexuality and how these things meld together, I have a confession that many might find surprising: I have never actually had sex.

The whole thing makes me think about what happened in the second season of Ink Master.  In that season, one of the contestants was a very accomplished tattoo artist, but he had no tattoos on his own skin, unlike everyone else on the show.  The judges made a big stink about the guy’s not having any tattoos, but I felt that the criticism was unfair because it was ultimately his own choice about what he wanted to do with his own body, and he should not feel obligated to do something with his body that he didn’t necessarily want to just because he was “supposed to” have tattoos as a tattoo artist.  The same thing applies here.  I feel that one can be a voice discussing kink, sexuality, and the like and still never have had sex.  After all, it’s my body, and therefore it’s my choice.

I had considered discussing this topic for a number of years, and had gone back and forth on whether I really wanted to discuss this topic, being concerned that revealing this would harm my credibility when talking about BDSM and the like.  After all, one would think that a prerequisite to discussing sexuality and exploring one’s sexuality would be to have experienced having sex at some point in one’s life.  But I have never experienced sexual intercourse before, though I certainly have had sexual gratification before, both by myself and with other people.  I finally decided to write about it because I suspect that I am not alone.  I am most likely not the only one who is kinky as fuck, and yet has never “done the deed” with someone.  I hope, by discussing it, that it helps others who are in similar situations and who may be questioning things themselves.

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