I am proudly autistic, asexual, and kinky.

People could (and do) write volumes on language and terminology, and on how we use language to define ourselves.  In my four months in the scene, I have thought about what words get used in places quite a bit.

One thing I’ve always found interesting about content of a sexual nature is the use of “naughty words” over plainer language.  For instance, the rear end is usually referred to as “ass”, and not as “behind”, “backside”, or even “butt”.  Likewise, I’ve noticed that the penis is usually referred to as “cock”.  I’ve always found it interesting, mostly because I find such terms to be uncouth, even when used sexually.  Maybe it’s just me. I wonder if others feel similarly about the use of “foul language” as the normal term.  However, the use of foul language is more just a pet peeve of mine than anything else.  I’m not fond of it, but whatever. If it makes people tick, then more power to them, I suppose.

The terms that I think about most are the terms “dominant”, “submissive”, “top”, and “bottom”.  That thinking usually centers around how I identify myself in that concept set as I learn more about my own style and behaviors in scene settings.  Going in back in January, I thought that dominant = top and top = dominant, and likewise I thought that submissive = bottom and bottom = submissive.  In other words, I thought that the terms were exactly equivalent.  Now I know that the terms are not necessarily the same.

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Sometimes you never know how things are going to work out.  On a visit to DCDungeon in late March, Hope and I took turns at being the top and the bottom across two scenes.

Prior to the first scene, Hope and I wandered around the Studio C room a little bit, and checked out various corners and such to see what was there that we could get into trouble with.  While we didn’t use most of what we found for various reasons, we did find a whole lot of plastic wrap.  We also found the nitrile gloves.  I believe that the gloves are normally used as barriers during penetrative play, but we each put a pair of gloves on just on account of being goofy.  Hope had two black gloves on, and I had a black glove and a blue glove.  There was absolutely no reason for us to have gloves on for what we were doing, but we wanted to try them out, and so we did (just go with it).

The first scene had me as the top and Hope as the bottom.  She wanted to be something of a mermaid, as some of the plastic wrap that we had found was green.  So first thing’s first, and I tied Hope’s ankles together with rope to make a simple two-column tie.  I also did her knees in a similar way.  I also attached a second rope to the original tie on her ankles, in order to facilitate lifting her legs up for the plastic wrap (easier to pull a rope up than to push from below).  Then out came the plastic wrap.  First I used a small roll of clear wrap to serve as something of a base.  Then the green wrap came out, and I expended the green wrap on her legs – to make her a proper mermaid.  Then I took the third roll of plastic wrap that we found and really went to town.  This was a big roll of industrial-size wrap, and I finished the package of her legs quite well.  Protip: start from the largest areas that will be wrapped and work down from there.  It’s much more difficult when you do it the other way and have to work “uphill”, because the wrap resists going from smaller to larger areas and will try to go back down.

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You may remember in my pervertables post that I bought a large wooden spoon, suitable for a spanking scene or two, at a thrift store:

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I actually had one of my all-time favorite play scenes at the second TNG happy hour that I attended at The Spot in late February. My friend Hope had come with me to that particular happy hour, and after the educational session, we did a scene in the designated play area. First she tied a rope harness around my chest and over my shoulders. Then she did a two-column tie around my wrists, securing my hands behind my back. Then she added additional rope around my elbows. Suffice to say, I wasn’t getting out of that. After I was all tied up, Hope got the ballgag out of my bag, put the ball in my mouth, and secured the strap behind my head, gagging me.

The ballgag, by the way, was a new feeling for me. True, I had tried on a ballgag before, but never before had I been really, truly gagged. I mentioned a while ago that the person who is tape gagged is really only gagged by choice. After all, if you open your mouth, that’s the end of the gag. Every time prior to this, when a gag was involved, it had been with duct tape. This time, it was something secured in my mouth with a buckle, and my hands were securely tied behind my back. That gag was staying there until someone else removed it for me – definitely a new feeling. I liked that feeling, but it was a new feeling.

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One of the events I’ve attended a few times in the roughly four months I’ve been in the scene is the DC TNG happy hour. In researching the group, I learned that TNG stands for “The Next Generation”, and is aimed at kinksters from age 18 to approximately 35. At age 30, I’m one of the older folks in the crowd, though definitely not the oldest by any means. I checked with the group on FetLife about whether or not I would come off as too old, and was told that I would be just fine. Excellent!

DC TNG’s happy hours are held on Tuesday evenings at The Spot, which is a small lounge in the basement of 1214 18th Street NW, sharing a building with Public Bar DC (see reviews from DC Socialite and DC CIty Blog). The venue is down a flight of stairs, and has a small bar. To my knowledge, the venue does not sell food (but Shake Shack is next door).

The event is kind of a cross between a munch, an educational session, and a play party. Dress is listed as “street legal”, and from what I can tell, most people don’t dress in any way specifically for this event. I wear whatever I wore to work that day, and from what I have been able to tell, most others also wear whatever they wore to work (i.e. dress is pretty much vanilla). Nudity is not permitted. Conversation, like at a munch, runs from the kinky to what-happened-at-work-today to whatever over drinks from the bar. About midway through the event, there is usually an educational session. That occurs in the back of the venue. One particularly interesting session was an introduction to knife play, where we learned about the basics of knife play, such as how to clean/sanitize knives, how to get to know and become comfortable with a knife before playing with it, a good beginner’s knife, etc. Then there is also a light play element, as people are allowed to engage in kinky play (as long as everyone stays covered) in the back of the venue (see photo). Not bad.

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While my friend Hope and I were shopping for pervertables, we also went shopping for stuff that would be used more immediately. Specifically, we went to Target and got four rolls of duct tape – two red, and two black. At a few bucks per roll, I could handle that.

After we finished shopping, we made a quick stop at each of our respective houses for our bags of stuff, and then we headed over to DCDungeon.

For those not familiar, DCDungeon is based in what is otherwise a photography studio on Lewis Avenue in Rockville, Maryland within walking distance of Twinbrook station on the Red Line. This was my first time going. Right off the bat, something felt good about this place, unlike at The Crucible. Like The Crucible, DCDungeon sells memberships. However, unlike The Crucible, DCDungeon doesn’t require memberships to get in the door. At DCDungeon, the member admission price is $10. Non-members pay $20 to get in. However, to join also costs $20, and that same $20 also gets you in the door to play. Thus it seemed like a no-brainer: join. So I did.

The scene that Hope and I did was awesome. Knowing that I would be wrapped up in duct tape, I changed into a thong ahead of this. It made sense: not going to ruin any clothes with duct tape goop, and at the same time, I wouldn’t get tape on any hair around sensitive areas. Still, it was an odd feeling to change into that and then be seen by others.

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Just in looking at my own kinks, I’m amazed about how specific some things can be. In the various BDSM scenes that I’ve had the fortune of being in, it’s taught me a lot about what puts me on the path to subspace and what doesn’t.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that I have to completely “let go” to reach subspace. But at the same time, I am unable to let go on my own. I often try to direct a situation, sometimes without even realizing I’m doing it. Thus I have to be somewhat forced to let go. I need to not mess with things: tie me up. If I can say something about a situation, I will do so and try to take it over, but need to not do that to let go: gag me. And if I can see it, I will try and do something about it, even if only mentally: blindfold me.

On that note, I have to be able to know I’m in until someone releases me. That’s why I am not that fond of tape gags, for one. At least as I see it, a person who is tape gagged is only gagged voluntarily. I know that I can, on my own, render a tape gag ineffective just by opening my mouth. Thus I’m insufficiently gagged and can’t let go. For me to reach subspace, the gag has to be one that I can’t negate on my own. This is partly why I love ballgags so much. When my hands are properly restrained, I can’t get rid of a ballgag. It is in there until the top removes it, and until such time, any attempt at speech is futile. So it’s a “problem” that I can’t solve, and so I just have to let go.

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One of the things that I have discovered in exploring my own kinks and playing with others is that just about everything, in the right hand and with the right evil little mind, can be kinky.  A trip to CVS, the local dollar store, or even a thrift store could be a kinky experience, as even the most vanilla-sounding items are used in such ways well beyond what the manufacturer ever intended.  I’ve heard the term “pervertables” used for such items that are not manufactured as sex toys, but are used that way.  Thus we’re “perverting” these items.

Now as someone who is primarily a submissive/bottom/victim/whatever, when I go shopping for pervertables, I am looking for things that I think would be fun for someone to use on me.  I want to feel it when I’m tied up, gagged, blindfolded, etc.  That’s the mindset that I have when I’m looking at stuff with a kinky eye.  As a beginner, I’ve picked up a few pervertables for use at the local dungeon, but I admit that my toy bag currently has more rope in it than anything else.  I’d estimate that I have around 250 feet of rope, and it’s not nearly enough.  After all, the number one rule of rope is that you need more rope.

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When I first entered the BDSM scene in January, I did three kink events within the span of a week: Gateway with Black Rose, Dungeon 101 night at The Crucible, and a munch.  These things all cost money.

I mentioned previously in passing that I am a major cheapskate.  Basically, I don’t like to spend money if I don’t need to, and will plan my purchases carefully.  Black Rose had membership dues of $30, and attendance at their regular meetings required further payment beyond the membership dues.  Likewise, due to its location in the NoMa neighborhood, The Crucible operated as a private club, with a $25 membership fee, and then the cost of admission to a Crucible event cost an additional $20.  Then of course the munch had the cost of the meal and tip.  Plus I needed to build up a collection of stuff to play with, like rope, BDSM gear, and other “pervertables” (more on that last part later).  And as much as I wish it were otherwise, my funds are finite, and there are only so many hours in a day.  Thus I had to make choices about what to spend my money and time on.

The way I saw it, Black Rose and The Crucible were both a little pricey.  Black Rose membership cost $30 to join and would expire on June 30.  Then to actually use the membership and go to their various meetings and educational events would cost more money.  It felt as though they wanted money at every turn.  Thus it was a somewhat high barrier to entry, and for less than six months’ time as a member before having to pay another $30 for the next year’s membership.

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The Wednesday after Dungeon 101, I went to a restaurant in Rockville, Maryland for my first munch.

For those not familiar, a munch is a social gathering in a restaurant or bar or something similar where people go to eat and socialize. If it sounds like something that vanilla (i.e. non-kinky) groups do, it is. People dress in vanilla clothing, many wearing the same clothes that they wore to work. The only way that you would know that the group is kinky is by getting into the conversation. And even that is not necessarily kinky. We talk about anything.

I got to the munch fashionably late. Some folks remembered me from having attended Dungeon 101 the Friday before, and welcomed me in. I found a spot at a table with a group of folks, and introduced myself. When I introduce myself at scene events, I usually give my real first name and my FetLife handle. The others at the table did likewise.

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